Apologies

I know it's been awhile. It's been awhile since I could even look at myself and evaluate, where I could look into that dark rabbit hole I fell down into and try to pick myself up again.
I guess this is just me realizing my life isn't the same, that I am no longer classified as solely one title. I have spent so much of my time, so many hours of the day, days upon days in a year as a student, that I feel lost now. I have spent time wandering around, trying to find where I fit now. I have always been devoted, creative, completely fixated on the tasks at hand, going from project to project, burying myself in worry and panic and deadlines.
Maybe if any of you are reading you can relate to this, not just to school, but taking this lifestyle for work, or any other task that dictates how we decide our lives.
How often when we fixate and punish ourselves this way do we sit back and enjoy? I am always fretting, trying to figure out what to do next, even on days when I need to sit down and relax.
The joy of doing nothing.
The novel "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert talks about this concept.
Yet finally its sinking in. I have accomplished this large obstacle in my life just to look around and want something else to replace it. Now after all my ideas, the minimal ones I have had in clear headed moments of creativity that I try not to douse in MUST ACCOMPLISH NOW, I swear I will get to you.
Maybe this is my twenty odd life crisis, maybe this is the test that I have to pass. the test of reality, of welcome to what life is and isn't this is where you need to fit in.
Or maybe I am just blowing smoke out my rear, but all those thoughts, and anxiety. Make a list if you must, number things, order things. make life practical. CONTROL it again. I may be a control freak but take the reins and stop spinning wildly flailing down that hole.
Apologies to myself, to everyone, let me clear my head, my heart and relax in the control of my own life again.
Settle in, find where you are, forget where you belong. STOP thinking and just breathe.

Hugs and kisses,
Karina